So speaking of embarrassing things, I feel the sick urge to share a rather humiliating experience from last week. Like most introverts, I don't especially like drawing attention to myself. Most would describe me as fairly unassuming. I tend to play by the rules, back away from confrontation, etc. I'm still blushing over what will now be referred to as, "The Most Stressful Lazy River Ride of My Life."
Introvert Dad and I took our three kids (22 months, 5, and 7) to a water park. It was a beautiful new park with two wave pools, a massive toddler wading pool, a gradual entry pool (great for little ones) and (the part I was most looking forward to) - a lazy river. I fantasized beforehand about a dreamy float down the lazy river, basking in the sunshine, pondering life's great mysteries. I'm not sure why I allowed myself this delusion considering the fact that I have three kids. Who am I kidding?
The two youngest kids had to ride in a tube with a parent. My seven year old was allowed to float on her own tube. The water was waist deep on me, so not too deep for my seven year old. Introvert Dad took the youngest, and I went with our five-year old. My son was a tad fearful mostly because he's not much of a swimmer (still learning) but he had a life jacket on and he could also touch the bottom. When it was our turn, my son got himself settled in the tube and was clinging onto it for dear life. He was nervous so I tried to keep him calm while moving us out of the way of other people who were getting into their tubes (it was busy). Before I know it, I'm in waist-deep water and can't exactly get myself into the tube without knocking the nervous five year old into the water. So I though to myself, "No big deal. I'll just hang on to the tube so he feels secure and walk down the lazy river." Not exactly the fantasy experience I was hoping for but I was happy to be enjoying the time with my son.
Well apparently not being in the tube is AGAINST THE RULES. We floated past a lifeguard who shouted at me, "Hey lady! You have to be IN the tube!" So I get under the tube, pop my head through the centre, and manage to hoist myself up so I'm sitting on one side of the tube with my son on the other, our legs dangling into the water. Perfect! I was impressed that I was able to complete that stunning feat of athleticism without capsizing.
But then we float past the next lifeguard on the Lazy River of Excessive Rules and Regulations. She yells, "Hey! You're not allowed to sit like that! You have to lie down in the tube and he has to lie down on top of you!" Oh. Great. Now keep in mind that I'm not exactly the picture of elegance and grace. In fact, to be frank, I'm built like a brick shithouse. So how exactly am I going to manage to lie down in the inner tube of doom while my son clings to the handles like an unruly barnacle? So we pull over to the edge of the lazy river, I try to have another athletic moment, but manage to tip us over. My son freaks even though he can touch the bottom. Luckily, Introvert Dad floats into our vicinity and manages to help us as best he can while keeping a hold on the clingy toddler in his lap. We manage to settle ourselves into the one and only dual rider approved inner tube position and we're ready to continue, finally.
In the meantime, because we had to stop and readjust, my seven year old is long gone, floating away down the Lazy River of Anxious Moms. I start to panic because I can't see her. I'm always anxious with the kids around water, and not being able to see her freaks me out. It was also really crowded. Introvert Dad knows this and can tell just by looking at me (gosh I love him) that I am starting to lose it. So he kicks like crazy to propel his tube upriver where he can see our oldest.
We managed to finish our float down The Lazy River of Anally Retentive Lifeguards without further incident, but at that point, I'm feeling not only like a failure as a mother but also like a complete dumbass for being yelled at by lifeguards. I'm not a person who deliberately breaks the rules and I like to know them beforehand. I knew that kids below a certain height had to ride with an adult, but there was nothing posted about the specific position we had to be in.
A learning experience for sure!
*I feel the need to add a note that I'm not shitting on the lifeguards who were just doing their job. I just think they needed more details added to their posted rules, or the staff member monitoring the entrance needs to tell the parents riding with young kids that they have to ride in a certain way. Or maybe I just need to chill.
