I joined the military right after high school and went off to basic training that summer. One of the instructors, a sergeant, seemed to have it out for me. We'd be marching to drill practice and he'd say to me, "SMILE!" I took my training very seriously and technically, you're not supposed to smile when you're in ranks anyway. At the time, I was pretty intimidated so I just took the constant remarks, but when I think back to it now, I feel so angry. The instructor would have never said that to one of the men in my platoon, but since I'm a woman, there was this expectation that I was to have a pleasing look on my face to appease everyone. One time in particular I was actually feeling kind of grumpy because I had messed up on the shooting range and the range staff were making fun of me. I sat under a tree by myself to eat my lunch because I was in a pissed-off mood, and the sergeant came over and starting talking to me as if I had some kind of mental illness. I swear he thought I was suicidal. I wasn't crying, stomping, swearing, yelling. I was just sitting by myself because I didn't feel like being around anyone. I swear this sergeant followed me around all summer, trying to "get" me, like I was some kind of brain teaser to be solved. One day towards the end of the training, he was walking beside me during a route march and said something like, "I think I finally get you. You're just a very sarcastic person, aren't you?" Yes, I'm just a one-dimensional being and you've solved the riddle like a Rubik's Cube. Now go bother someone else. Oops. Was that sarcasm? Seriously, is one supposed to smile when you're done up like this:
It's tough being an introvert in the military, especially for an officer. There's this expectation that every leader is supposed to be charismatic, transformational, love the sound of their own voice, and love being in the limelight. Another incident where my introversion was someone else's problem occurred when I had to go away to an unfamiliar base for some training. When I was unloading my bags from my car, I noticed a familiar face. He recognized me too so we quickly exchanged pleasantries. I had been on a course with this person before and found him to have a very irritating personality, so I wouldn't call him a friend, just an acquaintance. The next morning was the first day of the course. I made my way to the mess hall for breakfast and after getting my food, I quickly scanned the seating area of the mess hall to see if I recognized anyone. I didn't, so I went to an empty table and started eating my breakfast, thinking about what the day would hold. I always feel a bit nervous in new situations but I'm good at not showing it. About halfway through my meal, the acquaintance from the day before walked by my table on his way out. He stopped and started berating me, saying, "WHY ARE YOU SITTING HERE ALL BY YOURSELF?! YOU SHOULD BE SITTING WITH THE REST OF THE PEOPLE ON COURSE! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO ALOOF!?" I just stared with my mouth hanging open. Why did it matter to him? And why did he feel the need to embarrass me in the middle of the mess hall? This person was the same rank as me, so it's not like he was in a position of authority over me. And again, I don't think he would have said anything to me had I been a man sitting by myself.
In one of my first real jobs in the military I worked as an administration officer for a squadron. I worked so hard, learning the new job, staying late to get things done and show my dedication, taking on all kinds of secondary duties. With no children at the time, I was able to do that. When it came time for my performance review, I was shocked to see that it wasn't excellent. It was good, but not excellent. And i was damn good at my job, if I do say so myself. My boss told me that I had a reputation for being chained to my desk and not socializing with people. What!? I felt like all I did was talk to people all day - I had about 10 subordinates and an open door policy. But now I was being shit upon for not wasting my time drinking coffee and chatting with the pilots? So, I learned to play the game. I told my staff that every Wednesday we would go to coffee break for half an hour and socialize. Forced socializing is one of my worst nightmares, but at least as an admin officer performing a human resources function, people actually had questions for me so I didn't have to engage in much small-talk.
I don't consider myself deficient in any way for not having a constant grin on my face. Now that I'm older and have more of an awareness of what people see when they look at me, I have tried to plaster a smile on my face. Most recently, I was thinking that the Zumba instructor must think I'm a miserable human being because I don't smile. I do quite enjoy her class, so last time, I tried to smile throughout. I couldn't do it. It felt too fake for me and I had to concentrate too hard to keep up the smile. I'm there to get a workout for my body, not my face, so I gave up after awhile.
I assure you, if you say something I find funny, I will laugh. I love humour, especially the kind that pushes the envelope. I'm trying to understand how my unassuming behaviour of sitting alone and not talking much can be offensive to some. Is it because women are not supposed to be this way? Should I be wearing my heart on my sleeve and feigning excitement in things I have no interest in? In both of my military examples, it was men who had a problem with my behaviour. Is that because they expect women to be flirtatious, even in a professional setting? I'm a terrible actress, a bad liar, and my face turns red when I'm embarrassed. I can't fake it. I've tried and I just can't. Introverts often relate to the feeling of feeling physically drained from social interactions and needing time to recover. Being forced to interact while pretending to be someone I'm not increases the feeling of being drained for me. I won't do it anymore. I need that energy for my partner and for my children.
For me, part of the solution to these problems was reading up on introversion. I also had to learn how to stick up for myself. I love the book, "The Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Lainey, Psy. D. I was feeling like a failure in the workplace but this book showed me how my introversion was helping me and was actually a good thing. I'm now very upfront with my bosses and subordinates about my introversion because I want them to understand me. I can also spin my perceived weaknesses into a more positive framework. I have realized that sometimes I do have to go out on a limb, outside of my comfort zone, in order to get noticed. I prefer to not be in the limelight but it is nice to be recognized for the hard work that I do. It was my career manager who said to me, "It's one thing to be good at your job. It's another thing to get people to notice that you're good at your job." The posting I'm in right now is a very good fit for my personality. It's a desk job with the main interaction being by phone and email. I get to do a lot of writing, something I'm good at (not to toot my own horn but so I've been told), and I have no subordinates. It's interesting work and I enjoy interacting with the people who have the same job as me (there's six of us). We even go for coffee once a week and shockingly, I look forward to it!
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