Introvert Mom Problem #1: Group Fitness Classes

Oh, I already know what my fellow introverts are thinking.  Why in the world would you want to go to a group fitness class and be around all those people!?  I'd rather have my skin sandblasted off!  Well, here's the thing - I need to be in shape for my job and I do like to dance, so it's a fun change up to my usual solitary jog.  I go alone, I talk to no one, shake my badoinkadoink, and get the hell out.  The class is in a massive gym and around 120 people attend, so it's easy to get lost in the crowd.  I call it Zumba, but technically it's not since Zumba's a brand name.  It's a latin-inspired dance exercise class, to be specific.  It's also my one night out a week sans kids.  Sometimes I even go to Walmart after and wander the aisles, selecting the best dryer sheets, Triscuits, nursing pads, and lube that a single income family can buy.  Ahhh...the sweet smell of freedom!  Nope, that's Bounce..or is it Gain?  Purex?  Downey?  Fuck it, I'll buy the damn store brand so that Introvert Dad is satisfied with my purchases within budget.

I was thinking tonight about how annoying certain people can be at group fitness classes.  I've composed a list of the offending behaviours and I'm curious to know if this is cross-regional.

1.  I get to class early to claim my spot near the wall so that I can grab my water bottle between songs   without having to weave my way through the crowd of fitness enthusiasts.  Inevitably, some gaggle of four ladies arrives the minute before the class starts and gets in my space!  No I will not move over! These jerks probably do the same thing at the movie theatre.  Show up late and then ask the patrons who arrived 45 minutes early so that they could choose the perfect seat to move over.  Luckily I'm built like a brick shithouse so I can usually just stand with my hands on my hips and people will stay out of my bubble.

2.  The ones who complain that it's too hot and/or that they're sweating.  Note that these people are normally wearing Lululemon performance gear outfits that cost $200 and claim to wick the sweat away.

3.  The ones who complain when the instructor teaches a new routine.  Seriously, it takes about five classes to get the moves down pat.  The class I go to is full of regulars and they are the whiniest bunch you can imagine.  "This move's too fast!"  "Can you show us the crossover step again?"  I'm here to get my workout on, not listen to you bleat.  If you don't get it right, don't worry, the song's almost over.

3.  Talkers.  Shut.up.  This is not social hour and most of us don't want to hear your business while we're trying to exercise.  Why even bother coming?  Go for a coffee if you want to chat, you're barely paying attention to the moves anyway and you look like my drunk uncle dancing at a wedding.

4.  The wearer of accessories.  Why must you wear one of these jangling monstrosities to every fucking class?

I tolerated it in the month of December because I thought it was sort of festive to have something akin to jingle bells around your hips while Zumba-ing to The Little Drummer Boy.  But now it's June.  Lose the coin belt!  This is incomprehensible to me, Introvert Mom, because WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF?  I shouldn't complain, I guess, since it means no one's looking at me for sure.

Note:  I complained to Introvert Dad about this and he told me that at the gym where he works out, he sometimes sees people with jingle bells tied to their shoes.  Thankfully, this seems to be limited to the Christmas season and isn't a year-round occurrence.  

In an effort to show that I'm not some grumpy recluse who hates everyone, I also want to make a list of the patrons I LOVE at group fitness classes.

1.  The lady who's REALLY into it.  And I mean like, really, REALLY into it.  I admire the wild abandonment and the ability to dance like no one's watching.  I'm watching, and I'm simultaneously in awe and hoping I don't look like that.  It's supposed to be fun and she's definitely loving it.  But she also resembles my drunk uncle dancing at a wedding, but her moves are way more defined.

2.  The men.  In a class of 120 women there are usually two or three men.  Two of the regulars are probably in their sixties.  Whether they attend to get a workout or to check out ladies shaking their boobs and butts in cute workout clothes (or heck, maybe both!) I admire the set of balls on you.  As long as those balls stay hidden under your 1970s Adidas shorts (AKA marble bag).

3.  The instructor.  Instructing a group so large requires a special kind of patience and leadership.  Not to mention the fact that she's shaking her stuff in front of such a big group.  Being an introvert, I have a high level of admiration for someone who's willing to put herself out there and open herself up to judgement and criticism.  I couldn't do it.  Well, maybe I could, but I'd get fired for reeking of booze since I'd have to do 8 tequila shots before getting up there in front of everyone.

So, dear readers, who are your favourite characters at the gym?  And for my fellow introverts, what do you do for exercise?  My preferred activity is jogging alone with music on my iPod.